QUESTION: “My sister and her husband have started taking tantra classes and they are really enjoying them. I want to try tantra with my husband but he isn’t interested. He says tantra is for “flakes.” How can I change his mind?” Lannie, from Florida
ANSWER: Dear Lannie, In our workshops we have people from all walks of life – from Fortune 10 Vice Presidents to students, to lawyers, doctors, engineers. From couples who have been married for 30 years to singles; from scientists to artists; from housewives to actors; from devout Christians to atheists; aged 18 to 80; from type A personalities to flakes; of all color of skin, hair and languages. At a recent workshop we taught in New York City 17 nationalities were represented. One could say that this is a very broad spectrum of people!
The amazing thing is that as diverse as their backgrounds and life situations are, they all have things in common. They all want to enrich their lives, and to get closer to their partner. They would like to improve their communication and bring more meaning to their everyday life and lovemaking. They all seek spiritual fulfillment and have a vague idea that sexuality can be a sacred activity. Everyone wants to have less stress, more pleasure and joy. Most of our clients wish to improve their love life, fan the flames of passion, and learn techniques for expanded sexual pleasure.
Tantric practice, in a nutshell, can lead to the fulfillment of all these wishes, hopes and dreams. Tantra is an ancient spiritual path that has been practiced for centuries, and many practices have been adapted over the years to the psychology of the Western mind, making them more accessible to us.
Here’s a practice for you. Make a special date with your husband and ask him about his wishes for your marriage. What is he longing for? What would he like to change? What works and what could improve? What are his wishes for his sex life with you? Share with him your wishes and hopes. Discover where you both meet, what your common denominators are, and if any of the things above are applicable to you both.
Your situation is not uncommon. Invite him to explore Tantra with you. If he says yes, but doesn’t like it, then at least you both know that it is not the right thing for you as a couple. While Tantra might not be the way for him, it might still be worth giving it a try. If only to fulfill the wish of his delightful wife!
If he thinks that the workshop setting is for “flakes”, you can start exploring Tantra at home. Then it is just the two of you. There are many great books and DVDs available. Another idea might be to speak with his brother-in-law and hear about his experience. (Hopefully he doesn’t consider him to be a “flake”!)
Buy your husband a book about Tantra and see what he thinks!
And if he is absolutely against trying and experimenting together with you, you can learn and practice alone. It would require strength and commitment from your end, but it could be rewarding, for both of you. Another option would be to attend a workshop alone. Sometimes we have married participants in our workshops who attend without their partner but with their blessing. Usually, this exploration expands each partner’s horizon and perspective, and in turn brings them closer together.
The most important thing is that you both feel intimate and connected to each other. Whichever way you can achieve this is the most suitable for your marriage and you both!