A few months ago I announced it and now the day is finally here – my official re-entry into the world. Tomorrow my first Tropical Tantra Coaching retreat will begin. I am scared and excited, nervous and relaxed, fast and slow, in deep trust and reaching for control, all at the same time. My home, the tantra pavilion and the guest Casita look and feel spectacular. New hammocks hung up, dead leaves taken away. Everything is licked, clean, green, lush and vibrant. There are tropical flowers everywhere. I unpacked the workshop boxes I hadn’t looked at since Steve’s and my last Tropical Tantra retreat exactly three years ago.
Washed and then tried on all my workshop clothes, laundered and ironed the decorations, cleaned out the massage oil bottles, reviewed the music and practices, made a curriculum for the week and abandoned it; set up the schedule and changed it again. Dusted off the stereo system and got the Tibetan bells out. Sorted through all my earrings and necklaces, put a new battery in my wristwatch. Got the Kleenex boxes set up and folded the blindfolds for our daily breathwork meditations. Hung up the chakra banner and the yab yum tapestry that Steve and I had with us in every single event – over 500 since 1999. Wow.
All this activity is reawakening a part of myself that has been deep asleep for three years, dreaming that all these shocking and horrible things have happened, and now here I am, suddenly awake again, in new circumstances, reaching out with the Tantra vision to the world again, one couple at a time, hoping to transmit something to them that will enrich their lives and touch them. In my heart I feel really proud of myself for having come this far. Who would have thought two years ago that I would be teaching again? I know my teaching will be different; deeper, more mature, more relaxed and even more single pointed than it has been. Confronting death sure has brought a surge of new insight and material to my life! I will be focusing on sexual expression as a way of life; creating the arc from habit to keen awareness. From absence to presence. From head to body and heart. Awakening the inner fire and flowing in the ocean of bliss.
Steve would be so happy to see me now. Sitting on our sofa, in this paradise that we co-created together, teaching Tantra, empowered to live in bliss beyond tragedy and horror and loss. With our beloved doghter Coco by my side. Oh, I miss him so much. How, HOW could this have happened?! It is still incomprehensible to me.
Yesterday I imagined being with the couple who will join me in my home for a week, and for 20 hours of intensive private coaching. We have not met before. I will enter into a relationship with them, will hear of their challenges and celebrations, their joy and their sorrow. We will be in an altered state of being together, away from the world, on an adventure of the heart, an immersion into the Great Mystery. We will share difficult places and amazing breakthroughs. Together we will participate in this mysterious workshop of ours and weave our very own reality.
I am excited to connect, grow and learn. My personal workshop has already begun, and I am humbled by the wild butterflies that are dancing in my stomach as I am writing this. And my heart, it overflows with gratitude.
"Gratitude has no outward object nor inward object. Gratitude is almost like a fragrance arising out of a flower. It is an experience not directed to anybody. When you reach to the very source of your being where you are completely in the mood of spring, and the flowers are showering on you, you suddenly feel a gratitude not directed to anybody, just like a fragrance arising out of you, just as incense brings ripples of smoke and fragrance moving towards the unknown sky and disappearing. Gratitude arises out of you just like a fragrance, not as a thankfulness to anybody.”
— Osho, excerpt from God is Dead, Now Zen is the Only Living Truth
PS. The image is copyright © Paul Heussenstamm at mandalas.com. The original, very large painting was in our bedroom for many, many years.
For more information about Lokita Carter's Tropical Tantra Coaching, click here.